How our attachment style affects our lives (part 2)

Hello,

You are now in part two of blog three, where we continue to learn how our attachment style impacts other areas of our lives.

Previously we looked at how our health, workplace behaviour and how we relate to friends are influenced by our attachment style. In this blog, we look at Parenting and romantic behaviours.

Now let’s look at Attachment style and Parenting.

If you are a parent with an Avoidant attachment, you are more likely to be a Permissive Parent:

  • You go beyond sparing the rod and spoiling the child, and you tend to let your kids do nearly anything they want. 

An Anxiously attached parent, you are most likely to be an Authoritarian parent

  • As an anxiously attached parent, you are likely to run a tight ship and supervise nearly every aspect of your child’s life. You may emphasise obedience over emotion.

A parent with a disorganised attachment can have either a Permissive or Authoritative parenting style. You may even be a mixture of the two.

As a Securely attached parent, you’re likely to be an Authoritative parent:

  • The Authoritative parent follows the ideal parenting pattern by blending caring with discipline.

Lastly, we will look at attachment and relationships. 

Let’s find out about your attachment style and your romantic relationships.

As a partner with an Avoidant attachment, you tend to :

  • Distrust partners
  • Avoid closeness
  • Be uncomfortable with sharing feelings
  • Delay commitment
  • Create distance by focusing on your partner’s minor flaws
  • Idealised a previous relationship ( the one that got away)
  • Be hypervigilant to closeness

To keep distance in your romantic relationship, you may use distancing behaviours such as :

  • Flirting with others 
  • Making selfish decisions
  • Ignoring your partner
  • Dismissing your partner’s feelings and needs

In contrast to the difficulties you may face in your romantic relationships, you have strengths which are :

  • You are not needy 
  • You do not demand lots of attention 
  • You respect your partner’s boundaries 
  • You protect your vulnerabilities 
  • You remain independent 

As an Anxiously attached partner, you may:

  • Be preoccupied with the relationship
  • Take things personally 
  • Play games and manipulate your partner
  • Act out emotionally 
  • Be jealous
  • Be hypervigilant about distance

To keep closeness between yourself and your partner, you may engage in protest behaviours such as :

  • Constantly trying to contact your partner by sending many texts without a response, 
  • excessive calling or hanging around places your partner visits.  
  • Keep score – note how long your partner took to respond and take that long or more.
  •  I do not want to make the first move to make up.  
  • Make empty threats to leave if things are not going your way. 
  •  Pretend to be busy or make your partner jealous.  
  • Stonewalling – Withdrawing attention from your partner and sulking.  

The strengths of the anxiously attached individual in romantic relationships include:

  • Falling in love easily 
  • Willing to work on your relationships 
  • Being attuned to your partner’s needs 
  • Helping your partner to see themselves positively 

A Disorganised individual in a romantic relationship tends to: 

  • Crave attention
  • Be dismissive of friend’s needs 
  • Difficulty’ opening up.’
  • Acting out 
  • Choosing unstable partners 
  • Difficulty regulating emotions 
  • Behaving inconsistently 

On the other hand, the Disorganised individual tends to :

  • Be respectful of your partner’s boundaries 
  • Be capable of keeping your individuality and independence 
  • Fall in love easily 
  • Work hard on maintaining relationships 
  • Be capable of being a supportive partner

Last but not least is the Securely attached individual.

Although the securely attached person tends to build and maintain close romantic relationships, there is one key downside.

As a Securely attached individual, you may put up with bad behaviour from your partner!

As a securely attached individual may put up with bad behaviour in the relationship because you have the skills to maintain long-term relations, such as:

  • Being warm and loving 
  • Not worrying about the relationship 
  • The ability to share needs and feelings
  • Being responsive to your partner’s needs
  • De-escalating conflict by problem-solving, forgiving and apologising

Think back to your assessment style

Have you noticed any of the above outcomes in your life?

For example, if you are avoidant, have you noticed that you use distancing behaviours to stop people from getting close to you?

Or, if you are anxious, do you keep score in your relationships?

Maybe you have noticed other symptoms in your life. 

Write your findings in the comment box below. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts. 

Ok, so now we know the basics of attachment theory ( blog 1 ). We’ve assessed our attachment style (blog 2), and we have an understanding of how our attachment style can affect our lives. In the next blog, we will learn how to assess other people’s attachment styles. 

Keep safe 

Laura 

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