Which style are you?

Understanding attachment styles allows us to easily predict and understand people’s behaviour in relationships (including our own).

Have you ever wondered why you behave the way you do in relationships?

Have you asked yourself why your relationships differ from your friends and family?

Maybe you have only been in long-term committed relationships.

Or, you have had many flings, and you’ve yet to find the one. 

Do you want to be in a long-term relationship but find it too difficult?

Have you chosen to give up the search for a partner and stay single?

I’ve got so many questions for you !! 

Whatever your situation, attachment theory might hold the key to understanding your circumstance. The theory might give you insight and help you increase satisfaction in your relationships.

How would you feel if I told you your behaviour in romantic relationships is not down to personality traits?

You are programmed to act in a predetermined manner.

In the previous blog, we looked at the different attachment styles, and I suggested that your primary caregivers were responsible for your attachment style. Although our primary caregivers in infancy significantly impact our connection with others, other influences impact our attachment style too. These include life experiences, intimate relationships and the death of a loved one. 

Why should we understand attachment styles?

Understanding attachment styles can help us to understand ourselves and enhance the quality of our relationships.

Understanding attachment styles can have astounding implications in everyday life.

The theory can help explain a range of behaviours in adult relationships and answer questions such as: 

  • Why do I feel suffocated when I get close to people?
  • Why do I think I am not good enough in a relationship?
  • Why can I have long-term relationships whilst others have flings?

In this blog, we will delve deeper into each attachment style to help you decipher which type you have so you can better understand why you behave the way you do.

Which attachment style are you?

Below are some questions to help you determine your attachment style. Read through the statements below and put a tick my the statements that resonate with you.

The questions below are an adaptation of Farley, Waller and Brennan’s (2000) ECR-R Questionnaire.

Attachment questionnaire 

Put a tick in the box next to the statements you agree with  

Section A 

  • I find it difficult to depend on romantic partners 
  • I sometimes feel angry or annoyed with my partner without knowing why
  • I prefer casual sex with uncommitted partners to intimate sex with one partner.
  • My independence is more important to me than my relationships
  • I do not like to share my innermost feelings with my partner 

Section B

  • I tend to get attached very quickly to a romantic partner
  • I am sensitive to my partner’s mood
  • I often worry my partner will stop loving me 
  • When I am not involved in a relationship, I feel somewhat anxious and incomplete  
  • When my partner is away, im afraid they s/he might become interested in someone else 

Section C

  • I find it easy to be affectionate with my partner 
  • I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with my partner
  • I am generally satisfied with my romantic relationships
  • I feel comfortable depending on romantic partners
  • When I disagree with someone, I feel comfortable expressing my opinions

Add all your ticks for section A ……

Add all your ticks for section B ……

Add all your ticks for section C ……

If you ticked the most boxes in Section A, you might have an Avoidant attachment style.

Overview of Avoidant

Those with Avoidant attachment types are independent, self-reliant, and often uncomfortable with close relationships.

If you have an avoidant attachment you tend to avoid commitment and rationalise your way out of intimate situations. You may also tend to feel “Smothered” or “suffocated” when getting emotionally close to others and building relationships.

More ticks in section B? If so, you have an Anxious attachment style. 

Overview of Anxious attachment 

If you have an Anxious attachment, you tend to feel on edge and nervous in your relationships. You may also feel uncomfortable being alone or single. When you’re in a relationship you may need to be constantly reassured and crave affection from your partner. You are also more prone to unhealthy or abusive relationships.

Equal ticks in A and B suggests you have a disorganised attachment style.

Overview of disorganised attachment

A disorganised attachment means you fluctuate between affectionate and trusting and being overly paranoid of your partner. You may sabotage your relationships and have difficulty managing your emotions. Your disorganised attachment may lead you to have a negative view of the world and to be fearful of relationships.

And if you ticked the most in section C, you’re securely attached.

Overview of Secure 

A secure attachment means you can build a strong connection with your partner. You are comfortable seeking emotional support, and you’re comfortable being alone. You also self-reflect in relationships, and it’s easy to build a connection with you. You have the tools to engage with the world and others healthily.

What did you learn from today’s blog?

Was there anything you found interesting?

What attachment style are you?

Were you surprised?

Put your answers in the comment box below.

In the next blog, we will see how your attachment style affects other areas of our lives, such as health, work and friendships.

Check back next week for your next instalment. 

Best wishes 

Laura

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